I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
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—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Every photo I’m tagged in
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry