Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
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Go hard or stay average
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”