Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
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Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up