The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
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The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud