what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
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therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Cartman: Respect my
a a
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob