When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
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My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot