Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
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My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.