[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
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Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.