“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
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I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Me: how are you
Friday: good
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
what
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.