Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
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I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE