That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
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Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
New menu item
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
North and South
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
*exercises sarcastically*
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis