so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
You Might Also Like
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
happy mother’s day❤️
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.