Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
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tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
(more comics:
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.