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Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?