People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
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Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
every college guy’s fridge
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.