When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
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Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar