[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
You Might Also Like
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I hope they boil the right one.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.