So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
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The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.