I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
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I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
how it started vs how it ended
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate