It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
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99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…