you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
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God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
accurate
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.