My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
You Might Also Like
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing