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HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
goldfish mafia