If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
You Might Also Like
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
#polloftheday
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
That stupid look on my face, is my face
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.