A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
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1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that