*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
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got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”