I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
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Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.