I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
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Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.