Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
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My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
a god among men
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?