{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
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LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*