Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
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Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
“our sushi is very fresh”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.