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[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”