Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
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Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Going to church you guys need anything
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
is this store having a stroke wtf
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Anyone really
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.