If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
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Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
i was baptized in a car wash
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.