It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
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Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger