Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
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The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Friday night party time 🥳
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras