Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
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Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop