Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
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One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u