This is my bus stop.
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you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely