Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
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Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
That’s enough internet for the day
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats