I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
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Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
me irl
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.