If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
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just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day