Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
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Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
is this a warning or an offer?
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Did I do this right
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.