*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
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After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
This meal prepping shit is easy
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.