*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
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7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
this came to me in a vision
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
termite twitter scares me
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Yup!
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums