I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
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I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
oh my god