ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
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got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”