Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
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If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
you have three unread messages
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.