[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?