i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
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The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.